I was not being serious. The error tells me to uninstall and close Windows bloatware (hence, Solitaire or similar) and make sure every single graphics driver is up to date from a valid source.
I do not have Windows 11 bloatware installed or running beyond what is strictly necessary because I went out of my way to ensure as much, and my graphics drivers are all up to date. However, at times I find the official documentation unclear, to the point where using third party help like this is my only option. I installed some other redistributable and, as the... Bot? Below says, I installed both the x64 and the x86 versions of the executable, which is not something the DynDOLOD website mentions I don't know what I was reading before, nor can I find it again, but this mentions the .NET, something I forgot after formatting, so I can't argue on the second program. I had no idea that I specifically needed x64 on top of x86, this is something the documentation should probably clarify.
And still, I get an OpenGL error while loading a decal from Whiterun (last time it was some wooden boards, this time it's a nail), and the error tells me to ensure that I have no bloatware running and update my graphics drivers to the latest official versions.
I am on AMD hardware with the latest graphics driver (version 25.12.1) with no bloatware running beyond the standard things I installed (Logitech G Hub, Epic Games, Razer, ETC) and I even prevent Windows from installing additional bloatware with another program, my best friend through an OS that tries my patience, O&O Shut Up. I cannot see something effectively just telling me to keep my graphics drivers up to date as anything other than scolding, because technology actually treats the user like a toddler and assumes it knows better a lot.
PS: For clarification, when I made this post, I had found the unclear section of the document and I wondered if the problem was that I did not have the 2015 redistributable installed, because I could not think of anything else. Now, I've found something else, and fixed it, and I'm still getting the crash.